Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Right-click Stat-sheet concept (typo version)

I was going to come to this block in the 'new post' screen directly after it had loaded and just start typing. That was the plan.
Instead I landed up rearranging three match boxes in a slant formation and the screen stared at me waitingly in the meantime.

Why are you reading this you ask? I can't give you that answer.

It's just that I had a thought this past Saturday while digesting the sugary delight of shortbread- freshly baked by a German lady who looked like she partied hard in her day. Getting back to the thought at hand however:

I wish that one could right-click on people in real life and a whole stat-sheet pops up on the side, giving vital information.

Okay, get past the complete geekiness of the idea and work with me here...
I'm not expecting a whole medical and psychological history chart to pop up. You know, what kind of dieases the person has had or how many times they've masturbated to animated caricatures of their parents. I don't judge, and besides, those kind of things are way more fun to find out for yourself. Unless you happen to be sensitive to Chlamydia and/or self-pleasuring to foreign ideas. That's cool too.
The point is, there are certain things that you wouldn't want to know about a person right away anyway. Who meets someone for the first time, extends their hand and says: "Hello I'm Clifford Buglebottom. I also have rectal warts and am prone to leaking when I eat too much dairy product."
No no, we all know this does not work this way. So therefor, in this priorly-mentioned 'stat-sheet' one should only be able to acces immediately important info such as, you know, a NAME and such.

But once again I've managed to dig a trench in order to catch a cup of water (...and use a confusing made-up metaphor). The point I'm geting at is that I'm bad with names.
There, I said it. Most people are though.

}}Insert long, philosophical discussion about social interactions here{{

So as was noted before (in the long philosophical thingy above, ofcourse!) there is a common misplacement of people's names in every day situations. Who hasn't forgotten the name of that co-worker or that old friend you bump into while standing in a queue at the soup kitchen? I'd tell you who but I've probably forgotten their name aswell.

...There are now foru matchboxes aligned up diagonally at the foot of the screen.

Okay CONCENTRATE! Here's how it could go...

You: (walking along the street, paging through your latest purchase, some magazine or something, I dunno use YOUR imagination too c'mon! I promise after the demonstration there'll be cookies and juice... at my house.)

Ahem... but then suddenly an old friend, walking hand in hand with his wife and six year old daughter bumps into you.

Old Friend: Clifford? Is that YOU man??

You recognize the guy immediately. You know, his eyes and his voice maybe. Oh yeah, that old friend of yours from chef school.
You: Oh... Wow... It's been... ages!
(this is a clever insert you have learned to use when you don't quite know what to place in the 'Hi [person's name], how are you?' sentence. This represents sincere reaction without seeming rude.)

Old Friend: Oh wow Clifford, it's so good to see you!
(you note how he mentions your name in almost every sentence... Is this a challenge bitch? Have we just entered a name-remembering contest like two dumb schoolkids enter a thumb-war match over ownership of dad's old porno mag? Really, whatever your name is, I expected more from you as a person. I expected you to grow up by now.)

Old Friend's Wife:...has told me so much about back when you two used to wash dishes together when he first started out. Pleased to meet you.
(Oh shit, while overworking the internal facebook of your already-fucked brain, you have just neglected to catch both his wife's name and her mentioning his name in a sentence. Now you don't know anyone. You're fucked. You can't blame the noise as you're outside a park and both of them seem to speak quite loudly anyway. Mybe that's why you lost contact with him? Shit, concentrate!)

You: Pleased to meet you too. Yeah me and...well... us two used to spy on the gourmet chefs in training. But it's been ages man, what have you been up to?
(You're actually forcing more interest in this conversation than you should, as in reality, you two have no real interest in each other's lives anymore anyway and you have nothing more in common either. Although that truth has not yet reached the surface level coated with common-day courtesy. He blabbers on about some things which you once again don't hear properly, before he stops short of a natal story and introduces you to his daughter. Ok now at least listen when he says her name so that you don't walk away from this whole thing and not know ANYONE'S name.)

Old friend: Clifford, this is Angelique.
You: Angelique (shaking her little hand while repeating her name again.) What a pretty name that is. (You know that enforcing knowledge about a person's name might strengthen the ability to remember it)...Angelique

Old friend and his wife: (both stare at you as you repeat their daughter's name while shaking her six year old hand. They start to look at your 'old jacket' that you chose to wear today for sentimental reasons. It used to belong to an old friend who died in an accident and you two liked the same gourmet sandwiches at the shop down the road. The old jacket does however, make you look quite peadophilic while taking such over-interest in their daughter's name.)

Old friend: Anyway Clifford, nice to see you again.
(He says that quite hurriedly while gathering his daughter and wife and rushing off, leaving you there with you latest purchase -the last page of the centerfold having flapped out of the middle of the mag.)

I'm confident in saying that this has probably happened to all of you, right? Well, if you could just right click on 'ol college drop-out pal's face you could see a perfect little stat-sheet pop up (visible only to you) with his name and age. Perfect, right? Restraining orders and weird social situations avoided!

Congratulations to those that have read to here, you're now enlightened. Good luck to those that skipped to here, because you'll never know what you missed. ;D

If the illuminati uses this article to strengthen the propaganda to change all our names from words to numbers I'll be soooo pissed...


  1. It's your pal, ...[mumblemumble]. I hope you haven't forgotten my name too!

    I found this post highly amusing and agreeable. God knows that very same thing happens to me a lot! It happens every day. It happened yesterday. And now I'm supposed to mail the people I met and I have no idea what to put as the saulation.

    " two...with whom I took some photos yesterday... You with the long hair, and you with the short hair..."

    A right click button would be sooooo useful.

    By the way, this is Liz ^_~

  2. Seconded on the right click feature. Its also why alot more people are open on the internet.

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